Harry Potter and the Totally Unnecessary Crack Fic
by Guise'n'Disguise
Summary: A Tom/Harry fic which includes lots of mention of hot sweaty mansex, tons of completely unnecessary comments on behalf of Guise and some swearing. This fic is MEANT to be disjointed and weird. IT'S A CRACK FIC! M, since it's slash...


**Title: Harry Potter and the Totally Unnecessary Crack Fic!  
**

**Universe: **Harry Potter (AU from the end of Deathly Hallows)  
**Theme/Topic:** Crack fic that we made up for fun!  
**Rating: M for** swearing and mention of hot sweaty mansex!  
**Character/Pairing/s:** Obvious Harry/Tom (Thanks to Guise's comments).  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Spoilers for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  
**Summary:** What happens when you have a really horny Guise and a really high-on-sugar Disguise.

**A/N:** Ummm, hi? We've been gone for a while, haven't we...

**Disclaimer:** NO this is NOT ours! Though we wish it was…

_Blah – Guise Talking (a.k.a. Guise interrupting)_

**Blah - Disguise Talking (a.k.a. Disguise shutting Guise up)**

"Blah" – Speech

Blah – Normal Narration

_/Blah/_ - thoughts

**

* * *

Harry Potter and the Totally Unnecessary Crack Fic!**

Voldemort paced _(not strutted! The Almighty Voldemort did NOT strut like a peacock! Except that one time where he got really, really drunk, BUT THAT DIDN'T COUNT!!!)_ **Hem hem, as I was saying…!** Voldemort paced up and down as he waited in the cottage ruins known as the Shrieking Shack for his most trusted ally _(our favourite snarky, slimy, evil, sadistic, cruel…)_ **CAN WE GET TO THE POINT!!!!! Um… where were we? Oh yeah… **His most trusted ally, Severus Snape, who had just been forced out of Hogwarts due to the timely appearance of the famous Boy-Who-Lived. Oh, he knew that Snape's real loyalties had always lain with his opposition, but had never acted on his traitorous minion and knew that he never would. Neither was he unduly worried about losing his control over Hogwarts. All it meant was that his plans would be advanced. _snicker He's talking about the plans to bugger sexy-Harry-the-Boy-Who-Lived-to-get-Fucked!_**/Disguise rolls eyes at Guise/. Is sex all you can think about?! **_Well duh! _**Hmpfh**

"My Lord"

_/Ah. So he had __**finally**__ arrived./ The slow poke. But I bet he's good in bed! _**You're such a w.!**_ Why'dya put w. instead of whore?_** OY! I CENSORED THAT FOR A REASON/whispers/ There might be little kids reading this!!!!**

"Severus, I see you have finally decided to grace me with your presence." replied Voldemort as he continued to send mental images to Harry, bane of his existence, _convincing him that the handsome Lord Voldemort was quite hot and excellent in bed…_** GUISE! SHUT THE HELL UP! We meant to say…** convincing his enemy that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was somewhere else and angry, though that was far from the truth. He had to keep his secret after all. _What, the secret where he…_**GUISE! SHUT UP!!!!**

"Forgive me, my lord. I was _Busy fucking McGonagall and Draco-hottie at the same time _**No! And that is definitely NOT a visual that I needed! Continuing on… **detained. I met up with some resistance and had to escape"

"Yes, I know," He tapped his forehead, "I saw it through Potter's eyes. Even now, Dumbledore still believes me to fear my connection with Potter."

This statement, unsurprisingly, drew a gasp from Snape. _/Obviously, Dumbledore told my little "traitor" that I would fear this connection./_

"I'm afraid I have a confession to make, old friend"

Severus first gaped at him, mouth open, shocked at this sign of humanity from his master. Then his brain processed the last to words said and he stiffened. What ever was going on surely did not warrant such familiarity from Voldemort of all people. His master wasn't one to act as such. He visibly pulled all his emotions back behind his mask. At this, Voldemort sighed and immediately cast a few unbreakable soundproofing and secrecy shields around them. Then he turned to Snape and looked at him directly in the eye.

"The-idiot-Headmaster-who-ruins-everyones-lives-and-is-high-on-candy-shaped-drugs lied to you. Well, you and every other Tom, Dick and Harry, but that's not the point. And no, I'm not gonna kill you for being human. _Yummy! This is the perfect place for som Voldie/Snape hot, manly mansex! _**GUISE! That's it I'm tossing you OUT!**_ Awww, really, don't bother. I'll just sneak back in later!_"

**Hem, hem**_ Ya know, you sound like Um-bitch when you do that._ **Right… Moving swiftly on…**

By now the ex-Potions master had his mouth hanging with open. Could he believe his ears? His master was acting weird. He'd better start edging away now…

Voldemort sighed. This was going to be difficult to explain. Maybe he should start with the beginning…

"You still love her." It was a statement, not a question. Snape flinched and reeled slightly.

"W…who, my lord? I…" Voldemort cut him off.

"Lily Potter nee Evans, that's who. Please don't treat me like an idiot. I'm not as crazy as Dumbledore portrayed me."

Snape's eyes were wide and his mouth was open slightly. Voldemort snickered. Snape's jaw fell all the way and his expression was so comical that Voldemort was having a hard time holding back his laughs.

"Really, Severus, you should see your face. Anyway, it is of the utmost importance that I tell you my plans," Voldemort then frowned slightly, "Oh shut your mouth already. I need you to be on your toes for this. Like I told you, Dumbledore _lied_ to you. As you can see, I'm not a crazy git who wants to control the whole world. That's was _Dumbledore_, not me." He conjured up a pensieve, a table, two chairs and a lit candle. "Sit down."

Snape sat down, following his example. Voldemort pulled eighteen years worth of his memories out of his head and placed them into the pensieve.

"After you…"

* * *

--After the Last "Battle" in Hogwarts-- 

"Mr. Potter, you are under arrest for the murder of one Tom Marvolo Riddle!" shouted Fudge, reinstated Minister of Magic, storming into the Great Hall.

It was just hours after Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived-Twice had defeated Lord Voldemort, aka Tom Marvolo Riddle, for the last time. The entire population of Hogwarts had decked the Great Hall in bright cheery colours and were celebrating in full regalia. Needless to say, they were all very shocked when flocks of Aurors poured in, with Fudge at their head, arrested Harry, and dragged him away while he was still in shock. There was even more shock when Dumbledore, who was thought to be dead, stormed in along with the Aurors. But what traumatized Harry, who at first had been glad to see his beloved Headmaster, was the evil grin on Dumbledore's face as he escorted the Aurors and their charge out of Hogwarts.

Cries of outrage rang throughout the school but Dumbledore cast a sonorous on himself and said,

"What the Minister said is true! Harry Potter is nothing more than a vile murderer who has killed an innocent man. He is to be tried in three days time. We have been deceived by his innocent face. Do not allow yourself to be deceived further!" and with that, he left.

"So it has begun?"

"Yes. The boy was arrested within hours of the battle's end."

"So, once again Dumbledore deceives all. It was as easy as he expected I suppose?"

"Yes. With his obvious influence on the Ministry and with Potter's allies threatened with bodily harm, there is no way Potter can escape the trap set for him."

"Good. Come, my friend. It is time we made a much delayed appearance."

"Mister Potter. You are herby charged with the murder of one Tom Marvolo Riddle. How do you plea?" said Amelia Bones, the judge for the trial.

"My client pleads innocence." intoned Harry's lawyer. Harry sat in the defendants chair, slumped over and still in relative shock. The angry cries of those outside echoed through the halls even this deeply in the Ministry. Still, many knew that with Dumbledore backing their idiotic Minister, there was no escaping this trial for Harry Potter.

The opposition made their opening speech, all the while announcing Harry's supposed evils, claiming he was a "horrible, heartless fiend" and so on. Harry sat completely dejected, and yet still in some form of shock through it all and it was obvious that even the judge herself was uncomfortable with the proceedings. If anyone within the court room had objected, they would be subject to a trial themselves as Scrimgeour had erected laws that gave him supreme power and the ability to imprison anyone who opposed him. Originally these laws had been put into place in order to allow quicker action during the war, and though the war was over, the new laws had not yet been removed and had consequently been misused.

"The defense may now bring in their witnesses."

"I call for Mr. Riddle to come to the bench."

There was a general out cry of WHAT!! Ringing throughout the courtroom, mainly from Dumbledore's side. Striding up to the witness chair, _wearing a delicious suit that made everyone drool _**GET OUT GUISE!!!** was Tom Marvolo Riddle, the man whom harry was accused of killing!

"W-wha-How? Huh?" stuttered Harry, shocked that the man that he knew had been Voldemort and therefore knew that he had killed, stormed up to the front of the room, _grabbed Harry around the neck and kissed him hard before continuing on to have hot, sweaty mansex in front of everyone!_ **Guise. If you don't get out of here now, I will KILL you!**_ Meep!_ **What we mean is:** stormed up to the front of the room and grabbed a vial of Veritaserum from a quivering ministry official, gulped three drops down, before declaring that YES he was the man that the accused had been, well, accused of murdering and NO Harry had not tried to kill him.

"The man you should be arresting", he said, crossing his arms over his chest _his gorgeous chest_ **/roars/ GUISE/runs after Guise with a scythe/ **_Meep!_ "is Dumble-f-dore! He bloody tried to kill me! The only reason I escaped was that he ended up killing a magical clone (that I had been working on so that I could try to cure insanity from extensive Crucios) that had been nearby and thought it was me! And now he's trying to fool you all so that he can take over the world! The only reason he tried to kill me and frame Harry was so he could get rid of us since we're the only ones who would have been able to stop him!"

During this oh-so-rousing speech, a crowd had been gathering outside the courtroom. So predictably, within seconds, they had broken the door down, arrested both the Minister and Dumbledore (without any permits of course), snapped their wands and threw the bumbling fool and the manipulating fiend into a handy cell in Azkaban throwing away the key for good. Not long after, Dumbledore was found as a soulless shell, after the Dementors were done with him. Fudge wasn't as lucky._ Tee hee! Serves him right!_

Every witch or wizard old enough to vote unanimously voted Harry and Tom as rulers of the Wizarding world. They gladly took up their given roles, got married, and had hot sweaty mansex for the rest of their lives. They adopted/gave birth to lots of little Harrys and Toms and discovered a way to stay young forever and rule until the end of time.

THE END

**

* * *

Guise begged me to put in SOME mention of hot sweaty mansex, so I gave in. But don't think I'll do that next time, you salivating git! **_ahhhhhhh! Hot sweaty mansex, just what the Guise-ster ordered! See you next time! Oh and REVIEW!!!! walks away whistling_


End file.
